Visions from God Made Easy

Scarab made me think of this. I heard a story from a friend-- a distant religious cousin of hers inherited some $15,000 at her dead's death. sometime after the will was read her husband said that he had been kneeling in prayer when the Lord appeared to him in a vision.

"the Lord told me to quit my job and be a family man." That's what he said to his wife.

The lived off the $$$ until it ran out THEN he suddenly had another vision from the Lord telling him it was time to go back to work.

What exactly did he DO all during that time that he was supposed to be a family man?

He sat around playing video games.

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Iraq

Enough said.

The Mighty Scarab

I'll See Your Athiest Tattoo And Raise You A Tiger

In my travels as a traveller's check dealer, I have run across more Stupid than I have witless skunks. I'm not sure which smells worse. Last week I had the misfortune of hitting both stupid and a skunk and the compounding stench took my breath away. But, since we're talking about Stupid, I won't bore you with the skunk.

I stopped off at a roadside hovel near a shit neighborhood. I needed smokes and they had them. I went inside where two lovely young black ladies were zipping back and forth trying to serve both the local derelicts and the globally divine (me).

As I was waiting for the ladies to find my highly exclusive brand, a terrible, unwashed hippie walked in. He was wearing cutoff cargo pants, a dirty tee and a scraggly beard. He also looked like he had rolled around in the dirt, as he was liberally coated with a dusting of earth and, I presume, incense ash and fairy dust. He began making small talk with the ladies and eventually he admitted to having the "party plates" on his car.


"Party Plates" are special yellow license plates given to "hardcore drunk drivers." Hardcore drunk drivers can be defined as those who drive with a blood alcohol concentration of .15 or above, who do so repeatedly, as demonstrated by having more than one drunk driving arrest, and who are highly resistant to changing their behavior despite previous sanctions, treatment or education."

As he made small talk with the ladies behind the counter, I remembered that I might not have a lighter in my Carmaster 6000, so I requested one.

"Would you like a mini bic, a maxi, or a tatto bic?" she asked as she pointed to the three shelves of lighters.

"I'll take a tattoo lighter; why don't you pick one out for me," I replied.

Rather than just DOING WHAT I ASKED HER TO DO, she brought the whole damn tray over. I grabbed the first tattoo lighter that came to hand; it had a tiger tattooed vertically up the side of it.

"Hey," said Unwashed Hippie, "I have that same tattoo!"

As I turned to look at him, he raised his shirt above his right nipple and let us all view a large tattoo of a tiger identical to the one on this lighter and decidedly fresh. This man got a $400 tattoo based on an image he saw on A LIGHTER.

I turned back to the cashier and said, "I'll have this other lighter instead." I returned the tiger to his perch and selected one with a sword cutting through a carnation.

I GOT YER ATHEIST TATTOO-- RIGHT HERE!!

So, I'm talking to Cassandra (who should be posting anytime these days ::ahem::) and she tells me that a die-hard atheist friend of hers is getting a big ass-tattoo on his leg consisting of a heart and a big CROSS. This is to honor his atheist mother.

The atheist is putting a cross on his leg... Uh....??

So, I suggest this design:

only have MOM in the bottom banner...

or you could put THIS heart instead of the flowers...

I mean, what the hell... if you're gonna do it...

FANG, BREKKY IS READY!!

A student scribbled the following on my bathroom wall. As in INSIDE MY CLASSROOM, bathroom wall.

it says "A-- FUCKED STE--" (names changed to protect either the innocent or the stupid).

When you're in a classroom of 29 students, it pretty much limits WHO could've writ the graffito down to about, well, a MAX of 29 and a MIN of about 4. Maybe it's GOOD they're so fucking DUMB, because it makes it easier to catch them??